All in the Golden Afternoon

As of late, I have began again to quietly mope around and lament my lack of motivation, however, I've noticed some things. Strange things.

I can honestly say that I have never fully applied myself to anything in the years that I can remember- that's over two decades of me half-assing my way by. It stands to reason, then, that I, who do not apply myself, would not make any real progress. This, of course, is as I've planned for the time being- to delay my having to put effort into things for as long as possible. It's not good nor bad, it's a stasis, just me prolonging the inevitable and giving me time to... It isn't even relax anymore, just sit around in apathy.

Yet why are opportunities appearing around me when I have done nothing to warrant such? I have sewn no seeds, yet fruits bloom left and right. Is this providence? Coincidence?

I've been asked if I'd like to regularly write articles for a local magazine, the one which published a profile piece I wrote for one of my classes. It pretty much went "are you interested in freelance writing?" > "very much so." > "want to work with us?" > "... wut".

And unlike the profile piece, I'll be paid for this. I haven't even TRIED to write anything of value, yet... Ugh.

I'm not sure whether or not I should be asking "why" or "how" or even "what"; I don't know.

In my confusion, I'm feeling delightfully candid, so I'll go ahead and tell you all a little secret~ It's something that I realized a while back, but did not want to admit-

The reason I never apply myself is because I am morbidly afraid of failure. I fear me giving something my all and coming up short, not being good enough. If I don't try at anything, and indeed that's the point I have reached now, than any missed opportunities cannot be called "failures", since no effort was invested from the start.

I'm really afraid of failing... I've said before that I wouldn't bitch about this stuff, because in the end it just comes down to me not knowing how to properly deal with something, using the first source I can find as an outlet, than forgetting about the problem and any resolve that may have been born to change it. "I'll change", "I'll do better", "I'll try this time"- bull shit.

But I feel like I'm getting close to where I will actually start trying. It's like... My intuition has been telling me this for a while. At first, as a whisper, but here lately, it's as though it's screaming at me: "it's finally gonna happen".

So, I write this here for a few reasons, namely, so that when this time passes and I in fact do not give my all over to something, that I can look back and lament at how pitiful I would be, having had such a conviction that I currently feel. Also, I need to bitch about irrelevant shit like this or else I get uneasy.