Christemo

So as a small amount of you may know, I've entered a media school this year, with a course on writing, both journalistic and romantic. Today I and the rest of my class were tasked with rewriting a fairy tale, either the Princess and the Pea or the biblical Fall of Man, as a news article, complete with headline. We were also allowed to change the setting to an extent (One of my classmates rewrote the Fall of Man to involve a club owner going by "The God" kicking out a couple named Adam & Eve for not doing drugs and realizing just how much of a vomit-covered mess the club was), so I present to you.

Putin and the Pea

Princess Putin in a rage; “The Queen of Crimea put my health at risk” Russia out for blood.

A massive crisis has hit the Ukrainian peninsula of Crimea, where the royal couple had invited crown princess Vladimiria Putin of Russia to a diplomatic meet in hopes of discussing the terms of Putin’s new policy. The meet has since escalated to a Russian demand of the Crimean royalty introducing the policy to the Crimean public. This policy would put the state of Crimea under Russian rule. Putin shows interest in introducing this policy in all former Soviet states.

According to eyewitness reports, Putin came late to the evening’s debate, soaked in rain and requesting a change of clothes, for which the Crimean queen’s were used. Putin clarified later in an interview

“My escort car crashed on the way here due to the weather, so in hopes of making the meeting on time, I decided to run the last eight kilometers. The rain was an unnoteworthy detail.”

Interviews with both Princess Putin and his now-captives have revealed the issue that drew Putin to such an erratic action; The queen of Crimea was skeptical as to whether Putin was the real Putin or not, as she was under the impression that no proper princess would come to the debate on foot, and was also aggrevated that she had to lend her clothes to the politically active princess. As a form of payback, the Queen laid a single pea under the tower of twenty mattresses and twenty bearskin blankets, which were the pre-requested sleeping conditions of the Russian princess.

Reports say that the morning after, the crown princess met up to the morning debate in a rage, demanding an explanation for the round, bumpy pain she had felt in her back all night that, according to the princess, had made it impossible for her to get as much more than a few minutes of sleep.

Eyewitnesses say that after the princess forced the explanation out of the royal couple, she ran a hand over her bald scalp before a squadron of Spetsnaz jumped in of every window of the castle, capturing both staff and royal family and holding them at gunpoint. The princess has spoken to us about the situation.

“I do not take this insult lightly. Until Crimea’s rulers have unconditionally accepted our demands, this situation will not change. Crimea belongs to the Russian-Soviet state, and that’s a given.

The UN and Ukraine’s own military has voted against going into Crimea at the moment in hopes of the conflict not escalating further.