Sakuraba Haru

Hey. I well, I'm just gonna list thoughts of my mine and my memories and stuff in my life and things like that.
That's about it.
I think this will help me vent emotions and the like and help me think about myself more.
If you wanna comment on things or just read this, say whatever you like, I'd appreciate it.
So what do I start with... something funny or sad... or both.

Ah currently I weigh 90kg. I'm angry. I lost 15kg over 4 months but now it won't lower at all. (Though I suspect my total body fat is slightly decreasing. I hope it is.)

As for memories...
"You are an anime" was said to me by a person and I laughed.
I'm not trying to be a chuunibuyou or anything.
It may seem at times I'm divorced from reality but it's more of... I want the best it can give.
Like what is so great, you know it exists or someone accomplished it, but such people are rare so it's not seen as something that can happen to everyone.
I'd like it very much if my life and everyones could be like that though, truth that is stranger than fiction or a "legend" or an ideal.
To have a happy life, that is what I aspire too, a life much happier than anyone else.

Okay memories, from when I was in... is it elementary school for you people?
I was around... 7-10? I think?
I used to pay a game that is in retrospect ridiculously embarrassing.
No one in their right mind would play it except children... though I'm not sure if even children would think of this.
I played this game with 3 girls. The game was this.
I would sit at the top of a flight of stairs and they would be at the bottom.
On their knees.
I would ask questions and the person who gets it right advances forward. By crawling.
Until they reached me.
...
Yeah.
In retrospect only those 3 would probably wanted to play that game with me.
Sigh, kid me was very popular with everyone.

Actually, my dad told me at around that point that my family's blood was royal.
For me who didn't and in a way still doesn't know very much about my country it was my sole pride of me being of my race.
So I paraded it at the time and spoke of it and used it as a reason why I am better than everyone else.
Yeah. I wonder if my desires in life is merely me trying to reclaim the sort of fantastical life I used to live, or a rose tinted glasses effect?
Anyway, it lasted a while.
I wonder if since we were all children it made people attracted to me, because I was a "prince"?
Or did they genuinely like me for me? Well puppy love is puppy love.

*Spins*
But I stopped doing that after I remember my best friend fighting with everyone else saying I shouldn't be getting special treatment.
"That was 1000 years ago. It doesn't mean anything now."
While I think I really needed to get rid of that "Pride" because it made me treat others badly I also lost my only pride in my blood.
When I started hating my own race for a while, and I guess in some ways I still resent it though I'm working on dealing with that; that Pride might have helped me weather a lot of pain when I grew up.
Back when I was younger I wasn't very aware of race and stuff like that.

Literally all I saw was people and the colours were there but they didn't matter as in they didn't immediately make me think of things.
(Hell I didn't even know that any religions existed other than Christianity until I was 11?...Oh shit in retrospect I didn't even know what an Arab person was. Wow, okay.)
Uh... well I started feeling extremely alienated at that point, well I always had a bit of it but never as badly as back then.
I think for 2 years I was like the only Asian person in the school and the next one was my brother and another one didn't appear for another year.
Part of the reason I was avoided was because I was genuinely very creepy and kept to myself so they had no idea what I was thinking.
But for me, I blamed the colour of my skin, my eyes and my blood.

I tend to blame myself for most problems, but because I have no one but myself to blame I am self centered, because there's only how I blame myself on my mind.
Well, that's enough for one day.

On a side note I came first in a Vanguard Tournament today using Genesis for anyone who plays the game, meaning I won two weeks in a row, yay.