Daydreamy Side of the Moon

Oh, to go nowhere slowly.


With apologies, this is dumb venting about something I'm not brave enough to actually be transparent on, so if you feel there's no real point to this post without more info, rest assured I agree. I just want to get my frustration on paper, or in text, or whatever rather than bottle it up.

I've been thinking tonight that 'maybe later' hurts as much as 'no' sometimes. Especially when it's the answer to something you've been fighting for about... two years, almost, now? At least two years in three months.

Two years of skipping lunch as often as I can to find room for doctors, getting weekend blood tests every few weeks, begging for scarce after-hour appointments so I can be questioned after a 12-hour workday, and running myself a bit more ragged than I do already for work and relationship and other obligations - and what I have to show for it is a sympathetic but non-descript maybe, which even in the best case might take a year or even multiple years to get back to the interview I just took once tonight already when I do hit 3/3 of the criteria and not just 2/3.

Suffice to say tonight was a big night for me and had a lot of pressure attached. I think I had pretty well steeled myself for a flat 'no' while still praying for a 'yes', but 'maybe' slipped right past all my defenses and between my ribs. It leaves me with just enough hope to keep going, but no actual, practical, or even hypothetical answer how to get to an affirmative.

All my other treatments are going to take years before they're actually finished. Even getting ready for this one would've taken months. But when it was over, it would be over! I was so excited to be done with something. I suppose I'm feeling a bit tired and bitter, for once. I'll be fine again tomorrow, or the day after. I'll start climbing back up the bureaucratic path again.

But I actually let myself dream a little that I was done. Silly.