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The House of Edelfelt

Into the Heart of Darkness; or, The Cereal Cafe and What Strife Found There

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'a last-ditch attempt to milk what’s left of the millennial trend that epitomizes gentrification and consumer culture' - the guardian

The Cafe was busy. Every seat was filled with young people clad in their Supreme streetwear, drinking their milkshakes and eating their cereal.

"Table for one? That will be five minutes."

"No problem, I can wait."

He placed a well worn menu in front of me.

"Is this your first time here?"

"It is."

"Are you just here for coffee?" he asked tersely.

"Actually, I was hoping I could try the cereal..."

His demeanour improved.

"Oh, great! Let me know when you're ready to order."

"Can I have the Unicorn Dreams? With a chocolate bowl, please."

'Will the unicorn be willing to serve thee, or abide by thy crib?
Canst thou bind the unicorn with his band in the furrow?
or will he harrow the valleys after thee?
Wilt thou trust him, because his strength is great?
or wilt thou leave thy labour to him?'—Job 39:9–12

Uh. That's more Ice Cream than I was bargaining for. Nevermind, let's give it a try.

Hey, it's pretty nice ice cream. I've found one of the party rings. Party rings are frosted circular biscuits, for those who don't know.

Well, I've made it to the cereal part. This sure is sugary. Time to add the strawberry milk, I suppose.

This works. The lucky charms marshmallows fit nicely with everything else. It's sweet...

I've managed to finish the contents of the bowl. It's sugary...

But, it's not over. The bowl itself is made of chocolate. Let's go.

I think I can finish this.

torture and sadism upon the body through digestion


  1. In-N-Out Double-Double & Animal Fries's Avatar
  2. SeiKeo's Avatar
    "Can I have the Unicorn Dreams? With a chocolate bowl, please."

    I have never read more cursed words
  3. Five_X's Avatar
  4. just Beamu's Avatar
    Don't die
  5. Nuclear Consensus's Avatar
    I'm pretty sure that thing has to come with a side order of insulin.
  6. SleepMode's Avatar
    The body isn't meant for processing such an absurd amount of sugar.

    ...Looking at it made me feel ill.
  7. Strife ❤️'s Avatar
    Food recommendations:

    Doughnut Burger > Cereal Cocktail Bowl >>>>>>>>>>>>>> Weird Rainbow Coloured Burger > Cereal Burger

    The doughnut burger I actually unironically like, and I've had it more than once. The contrast of unusual flavors works well and I like it.

    The cereal bowl is a sugar bomb but otherwise inoffensive.

    The cereal burger was just bad, it didn't go well together and there was too much random shit in it. The rainbow coloured burger was also bad. Incidentally the latter two are from a place that a lot of people really like and it's always recommended to me, but I hate it. Presumably this is because every time I go I order the weirdest thing on the menu.
    Updated February 19th, 2018 at 06:49 AM by Strife ❤️