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Miscellaneous Fanfiction Writing Thread (Solicit Advice Here)

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Quote Originally Posted by TagumonYatsuray View Post
Hey everyone! I've finally found motivation to try working on my writing again, and I've encountered an issue with my scene-pacing style/format.

It feels to me as if the gaps-in-time; or the 'jumps between locations' are either too frequent or too sudden or just strange/out-of-place in general...

I've included an EXCERPT from my story here; since actually 'Showing' the problem is probably way more effective than just asking for advice on something no-one can see.

But, being as the following excerpt is part of
Calm before Storm
the Prologue
I'm also in the midst of trying to "Set-the-World" so to speak... I'm not sure if I'm actually doing something wrong, or if my OCD and/or Anxiety are just making me paranoid, and this kind of pacing is normal/common for early on;

Any Feedback would be much appreciated! I've also included 'Red-Asterisks' (Like this) *******--- So I could mark where I thought it was weird or strange, like I mentioned--- for sake of reference.

Warning: EXTREMELY Lengthy Excerpt

“I require your knowledge and unbiased insight Tagumon, so tell me. What kinds of foreign goods would benefit Quadopolia the most?” Yoshiko asks with a serious gaze.

I close my eyes and venture through my mind. There’s several answers I can come up with. “What I believe Quadopolia would benefit the most from...” I clear my throat, “... Are the forestial herbs located in Sylvia, as well as the fresh spring water from Marlia. The stones and minerals located in the Caenian mines would also benefit the construction of homes along with other public works,”.

“Caenia, of course… But you are aware that it’s, not only costly… but also extremely difficult for purebred-Aelias: like ourselves; to even begin to negotiate the import of goods from there, correct?”

“We both know that something as trivial as ‘extreme difficulty’ would never stop you from getting what the Kingdom of Quadopolia needs, Yoshiko,” I tease him about his unrivaled loyalty to the nation.

“... Ah ha ha… I guess we do,” Yoshiko acknowledges that even though I’m teasing him about his sense of loyalty, as I usually do; There’s definitely an undeniable truth in that very same quality.

He finally shows a smile, “Thank you for the insight, I’ll be off to my paperwork now, and thank you in advance for handling the rounds of the Kingdom in my place,”

“Yes, keep up the good work!”

He gives me a warm expression and bids goodbye, before proceeding down the hall outside the Dining hall.

I make my way towards the main door to the castle. I want to get a jump-start on the rounds for Yoshiko and uphold my responsibility as Prince, it’s the least I can do since Yoshiko is constantly managing and surpassing his own responsibilities as the King.

-------------------- *******

The Kingdom is quite large actually… The thought of Yoshiko, personally checking in on each and every one of the citizens, seems like such a miraculous feat, when considering his free time as a King, is already minimal.

I quickly formulate a strategy to start from the northeastern side, and progress westward, towards the fields. I start sprinting towards my target.
-------------------- *******

It was just past twelve in the afternoon by the time I had reached the center of the Kingdom, where many of the marketing stalls are located. At this time a day, business is usually at it’s busiest for them. But today, the square was void of customers.

“Well, if it isn’t Prince Tagumon himself! You out doin’ a little shopping today?” In front of his kiosk, a somewhat-young male calls out to me, sporting a laid back smile, “You lookin’ for anything… specific?”

I recognize the man. Not because of any personal knowledge, but because of his business’ renown. He’s very well known for his vegetation. “Not in particular,” I walk over to his street-shop, “I’m doing the civilian visits in place of King Yoshiko today,”

“I see, that sounds like a hassle,” he chuckles, “As for me, business is pretty quiet today… unlike usual, but let our King know he’s doing a great job,”

“I will, and I’m sure he thanks you for the praise. But… before I go, do you know where everyone else is?”

“They should be in the western district… apparently there’s some huge event, I heard,” he nods, “Hey, are you sure you don’t want anything for the road?”

”I’ll be fine for now, but thank you anyway,” I bow before departing, “I wish for your business; the highest of sales!”

I head for the western district immediately, checking in on the at-home citizens as I follow the path. It was only a matter of minutes when a large crowd of people came into view. *******

There was cheering and chanting from the crowd. I had to squeeze through the people who couldn’t hear or see me, their eyes on the spectacle.

“Nice! And there he goes!” A voice calls out as a ball flashes by over head.

A whirlwind takes off from the corner, or base, of what appears to be a kickball field. There’s absolutely no way any average person could stop it.
The other kids are stunned with either awe or terror as the wind itself takes each base. It’s hard to believe only three seconds went by when home plate is passed again.

“Who-Whoa!!” The explosion of air keeps soaring right down its path, until it crashes into a wall.

The kids stare at each other with puzzled glances, “Is he out, or safe?”

A teenager posing as the referee stares at the field in complete confusion, “Uh… he did pass home-plate, but he never touched it.. so he’s out!”

“That’s a load of crap!” The kid who was ‘one with the wind,’ pulls himself out of the rubble. Oh. Of course the trouble maker is none other than him.

“If you don’t touch the base it doesn’t count,” the ref explains back to him.

“I did touch it! I know I did!” The relentless child argues back.

I figured this was a good opportunity to step in, before it got ugly. “You know if they can’t see you playing fair, it may as well be cheating, Blue. You’re too fast for your own good,”

The crowd’s cheering turns to silence. Everyone’s eyes are suddenly on me.

… And this is why I don’t even join-in on the conversations at these kinds of events. Blue on the other hand is far too blunt to care about something like being nervous.

“Too fast for my own good? What’s that supposed to mean…?” Blue asks me, obviously confused and frustrated. “If everyone else is moving at the speeds of a brain-dead slug, that’s not my problem!”

“Everyone else is moving normally! You’re the one moving too fast to comprehend! Their bodies aren’t trained for it.” I explain, trying to stay calm.

“Oh… well uh… —- Oh! So that means you saw! Right, Big brother?!” He jumps with excitement, ignoring my point completely.

“Only a bit. You slowed down just barely enough for me to see, when you reached the bases,”.

“Ahah! So you saw me touch them!”

“Yeah, I saw…” He’s always this way. One thing at a time. Explaining the bigger picture seems forever out of reach.

The crowd starts muttering among themselves, saying things like, “That’s the prince…” and “He can actually see the younger one run…?”

I clear my throat, attempting to get back to why I was here in the first place, “Hello, everyone! I’ve come here instead of my older brother, the King, to perform a satisfaction check on the citizens!” It’s still hard for me to announce things like this without trembling.

My younger brother blurts out, “That sounds boring.”

I turn my head to him with irritation. He gets it.

“I meant difficult!” He corrects himself. “B-but um—! Big brother, you’ll let me help you out right?”

“Can you handle it?”

“Of course I can!” he assures me, “The Second Prince of Quadopolia isn’t just here for games!”

“I’m pretty sure that’s all you’re here for…” I sigh, as he starts laughing. He knows it’s true. But for the sake of moving on, I’ll let him have his way.

One of the kids decided to substitute in for Blue, while I went around asking people about their satisfaction. Is it really that boring…? I mean… I’m helping out, right?

Regardless, everyone seemed to be fine. Nobody really had any complaints, so I wrote down what I could. I wish someone would give even a small complaint so—

“Hey, uh… if you’re gonna write down everything then, I guess I should mention there’s been some problems down by the Orchard.” An older man speaks up.

“I’ve heard about that too! My wife was down there the other day, and she said a monster came after her!”

A monster attack is a pretty unsettling thing to hear.

“Was it serious…? I thought I’d hear about it if there were injuries…” Blue asks,

“Nah, she hightailed it out of there the moment it reared its head!” The man explains,

Blue grins eagerly “Sounds exciting! It can be like an adventure for the two of us!” He grins,

He really doesn’t get any of this does he? A monster is serious business.

“We’ll take care of your monster problem!” Blue cheers,

The man smiles and gives us a gracious thanks… at that point there was no turning back… so off we went…

“Blue… you’d better take this seriously… if you get hurt, Yoshiko’s gonna be pretty mad…”

“Oh whatever~! I only agreed to this because I wanted to go to the orchard and eat something together!” He grins.

So that’s it… that was his master plan…?

-------------------- *******

We arrived at the orchard not too much long after… Blue was speed-walking the whole way, so I had to use every fiber of my body to keep up with him.

“You really do spend everyday in those books, don’t you?”
It may be way too long at the moment, but if it is, I can try to cut stuff out later. This is just an excerpt; and is not the whole scene.

Context of before and after the Excerpt; In case it helps
The entire excerpt starts a bit soon after the Prince and the Head-Maid reassure the King he is a good ruler, who is respected by his people, in the midst of eating breakfast, after waking up late and exchanging 'good-mornings'; I think that's basic Slice-of-Life stuff.

The entire excerpt ends just after the two siblings arrive at the orchard, in order to investigate the situation they heard about.
Again--- Any advice, feedback, or constructive-criticism is very much appreciated~!

Updated April 10th, 2018 at 11:03 PM by TagumonYatsuray