purple_teardrops

Originally Posted by purple_teardrops

Decided to write a whole post as a cover for a comment.

Well, i once got slandered for claiming to be part of a group of reverse engineers. Today i'm pretty sure it was one of those moments when someone decided to engage an innocent fool into playing social ladder games. Those things are quite nauseating, but still, we are talking about humonkey dynamics, so i don't think there's a way to avoid such happenings.

The last major happening, the fact that i actually decided to record a meeting with the group that tries to manipulate others, backfired into those who wanted to manipulate me as a great source of research material; thankfully they've been further turned into formulas rather than maintain their status as theoretical beings... On the other hand, oh lalsh, they uh, sorta turned my own theoretical self into a formula, too.

I was once beaten on the streets, both for having gotten into trouble with a crazo displaying some rather disgusting gang member symbols (a rather large gang it was and is, by the way) while wearing skirts... I remember that my arm got dislocated... Went to a hospital... The driving itself was rather funny, given that the arm responsible for changing gears was busted, so i not only had to drive with a single arm but actually had to somehow change gears with the arm most distant from the stick... Driving was slow at best, but then again, considering that i managed to get there without hitting anything, i think this could only mean that i'm actually good at driving cars.

I remember feeling this sudden urge to cry, when i arrived at my destination... It was funny, in a way: i felt calm, apathetic within, but the body felt motivated to do it. While feeling completely alien to my body, i allowed it to do as it wished, especially because i wanted to see what would happen.
The body, well... Cried, desperately. I uh sat inside it and watched. It felt as though the crying, the wailing, was something meant as a request for help aimed at the whole species with whom it shared a common instinctive language. It wouldn't work then, it was past midnight and i was confined within a car, but still, within the my own body, i just sat there and watched as the instinctive, seemingly mechanical side drove forward its show. It was fascinating... Felt as though humans were/are programmed to call out to its group in situations when endangered.

The recording from the other day just clearly displayed how the disgusting gaslighter asshole was trying to evoke feelings, automatic and mechanical reactions, in order to mix those feelings with its identity as a concept, as a symbol for something alive... Ever since then, i couldn't help but try to apply the same principle to all things human (humonkish?), that is, try to somehow disassemble what we consider to be absolute, true and whole parts of ourselves into its units...

...and realize that all those powerful, true-like emotions are nothing but chain-links of experiences. He (it) was beating on the table and screaming while dirtily changing subjects in order to never admit that it was wrong... I couldn't help but realize, later, that were i a child, with no memories, i would have never linked the concepts of noise and screaming with violence and unsafety, and that stupid peacock-worshipping flamboyant display would never have triggered the bodily responses responsible for dealing with dangerous situations... That fucktard was trying to evoke a memory and a conditioned reaction... Such nauseous behaviour... Groce.

Why was it groce? I think it should be mentioned that rather than explain something, that furless monkey, aware of what it would do, was doing its best to somehow hypnotise me into going monkey, rather than talk like a human being... I got something out of that, but that bastard would never be happy to realize its mask and modus operandi got shattered, that its power became shards of what it was in regards to this to this tactic of manipulation... And hauled along with it most emotions...

We are machines, created with carbon circuits, much like those drawings of circuit-like shapes assemblying into a tree, from some Nasu work that i can't recall the name of... But how come that thing of a furless monkey dared to disrespect another sentient being? Why do some dare to hurt another being in their search and addiction for power? Is it simply because one's life has become so meaningless that, well, anything goes?

As of late i've been stealing and doing as much mischief as possible inside the walls of this jail, much like Kohaku, another side of my being, was known to 'accidentaly' break things in the Tohno household while cleaning the place... I hear the voice of the local evil spirit, the one that urges me to go around performing such mischief... I can't help but ask myself, are all people so stuck, so imprisoned within their lives, that, well, anything goes? Like... "Hey, i just realized, why not kill the entire Tohno family? I mean, it's not like i have anything else to do..." ...

Maybe i'm just lucky enough, because i do feel empty like a certain famous Kara, and the only thing that interests me is science and experimentation...

I think i did mention that once i actually masturbated because the landlady sorta tried to seduce me, with a (quite elegant railment, btw) beautiful long skirt pulled all the way up, to the point where i think i actually viewed a real-life pantyshot, and while i never intended to uh try to invite her to physical erotic play (given female protocols, where the objective is getting inflating the market and not actually providing the caused desire in order to keep the price high, it wouldn't have happened, anyway), i proceeded to doing it alone... While high, of course...

I got showered with visions of umbilical cords and the womb as a heaven, the idea of a woman feeling useful and complete while becoming a heaven for an unborn being... The idea of man trying to return to the heaven between a woman's legs, that is, the only place they actually had everything they wanted, in the insides of a vagina, the only place where heaven existed... The idea of woman sorta cloning themselves, as proposed by ergo proxy...
The quite controversial idea of a biological oven of beings... The idea of women not being allowed, or not allowing themselves into a theoretical secret amount of knowledge that only men may view, when high from drinking the waters of life, as proposed in Dune... A penis becoming a makeshift umbilical cord, which would be desired as a prelude to pregnancy and fulfillment of a woman's nature as a functional walking heaven... The idea such feelings were shared between and mother and progeny, somehow... I wonder if, just as the homunculus that gave her life away to power the grail system, somehow the grail doesn't have something to do with pregnancy... But then again, those memories have long since been forgotten, and i wonder how many levels of remembrance i'd have to go through to reach them...

You always pick avatars that have to do with motherly nature, btw... I wonder if this is one of those things born out of the despair of the emptiness of our lives, or if you'd actually dare to truly try to save me from the hell i'm in... I'm still waiting for princus charming, after all...

Wonder if i'm crying something, if my body is crying something, and why does this emptiness feel so natural and fulfilling... I never found anyone willing to truly study what life has to offer, instead of merely repeating the same day over and over again, as though stuck in Araya's building...

Oh well... Long enough for today.

- Sister Ïr