Aiden

Yeah, I dunno what's up right now.

I feel... sort of out of it? A little? I can't quite identify what it is, but I think maybe the closest thing is 'insecurity'.

Like I can't grasp what people actually are thinking or feeling at the moment, or if I'm doing something wrong while talking to them, even though nobody's expressed any sort of direct irritation or negativity towards me (or trying to talk to them -too much- and making them sick of me, I dunno). And it hasn't really affected my posting any, that I've noticed, so I don't know where any of this is coming from.

Also wondering if my update pace is actually a turn-off to some people, since it's usually the same crowd that looks at my thread now days, and some people don't even seem to look for the updates until I point them out. Or maybe I need to start parceling out individual continuities into separate threads so they're easier to keep track of? I dunno. Maybe Names' comment on things blending together (hilariously, btw) is getting to me right now.

Been looking at Nasuverse backstories and realizing the parts of many given characters that I tend to love most is the part where they strive in futility towards some kind of dream or end, and ultimately fail and end up alone or dead. Like Arturia, or EMIYA, or Medea, or Medusa, or Kotomine Kirei. And I start to think the tragedy is the main draw to these stories, for me.

You know, when it's not just 'so moe I'm gonna diiiie', because I like some characters for that factor alone. Or Last Episode, which I freely admit to crying non-manly tears over the first three times I saw it because the one thing I love more than tragedy is to see that impossible dream come true. Though I might blame that part on Yume no Owari from the Realta Nua track, which is in context one of the most tear-wrenching things I've ever listened to.

And this blog post is pretty much the epitome of self-pity and looking for consolation despite not having any problems worth looking at in comparison to... everything else happening to anyone anywhere, which I thought I grew out of in high school. So, yeah. Huh.

It's also full of 'sandbagging' where I make the worst possible estimations and then buff up my own ego by having things turn out to not be nearly as horrible as I thought they were. Hello, social psychological coping mechanisms. Yes, I'm going to point out the parts where I'm manipulating my own thoughts and feelings and those of the people reading this, because I feel like breaking my own fourth wall conversationally right now.

And I'll just leave it with this, because I mentioned tragedy anyway: