The Sylentnight

So I was going to do two blogs for the days I haven't cover but something has been bothering me for the past few days. This is just a way to get these thoughts out.

A few months ago, I had to go through the experience of having someone I know and felt close to die. It was my teacher who I had known since freshman year and who had been some what of a father figure I guess one could say.

Having someone leave or know that someone was dead isn't news to me, but it never bothered me as much as this death. I'm use to the thought of 'Oh I won't see them ever again so why bother talking to people at all?' For the longest time, I never understood what the point of having friends was. I didn't get why I needed to talk to people. I know how to talk to them and how to get by, so why bother having friends? It felt so much better to be by myself not having to deal with the problems of other people and so much quieter and peaceful. But... even though I thought that, a part of me still wanted to at least have one person to share it with.

So, having someone I could actually talk to die... well, it hurt. I cried. It still hurts a lot.

But his death has made me thinking about a few thing I had thought before.

Isn't this the exact reason why I made such great efforts to avoid people? isn't the fact I made myself a loner the reason I didn't want to deal with this? I didn't want to deal with the pain of losing someone again. I went through that before. So why the bloody hell did I think it would be okay to talk to people and try to make friends?

This thought scares me a bit.

On one hand, I still do think not having close people is a good way not to deal with a lot of drama and crap that comes from it, but on another, it gets lonely and painful on one's self when one doesn't have someone one can talk to at least.

I feel confuse. I thought I got past his death, but I haven't. I don't know how to deal with it. I can't tell anybody my problems. I hate the thought of talking to people. But it still hurts not able to just let people know how I feel.

I guess, in reality, I'm just afraid of people knowing what I think.

But whatever, I guess I haven't lived long enough to think about this more. Maybe this might make more sense in the future... but I wish I could figure things out now.