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When God Kicks You in the Balls (he does so repeatedly)

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So I was in Melbourne for a week. Before I flew, my internet went down but I was all like, fuck it. It would come back to kick me in the arse and cement the fact I already knew that Malaysian ISPs are arseholes and need yelling at to do their jobs.

But yes I was in Melbourne. Where I went explicitly to drink beer and eat oysters. I did both.

I had these small Coffin Bay oysters. Small they may have been, but they were actually kinda chewy - I reckon the small size creating a more balanced proportion between the goopy creamy bits and the meatier outsection and the adductor muscle. Has a strong but sweet and savoury sorta flavour. Good stuff.

Also went to the market and ate freshly shucked inland oysters. By god, they were like Poseidon's balls. You bit into them, and the seafoam that is Poseidon's semen just flows into your mouth like giving a blowjob to Jesus himself. The flavours were more subtle, but there was an intensity in the volume and size of it. Delicious.

Then the great metal hand in the sky decided I exceeded the fun quotient or something and decided to make my life miserable with a call to mother nature. Or my airline were just incompetent.

On the day I was to fly back, I woke up with a raging sore throat. I looked in the mirror and while one side was fine, the other was a inflamed red mess like a failed circumcision.

My dad was cheap so we were on a bumpy ass plane with no in flight entertainment, AKA 8 hours of sitting on my arse. I did bring my sketchbook to doodle and I was pretty sleepy so I was meh. Deal with it.

Toilets in the front of the plane were broken. Plane was full of fat people. I wanted to sleep but for some reason, everybody wanted to fucking piss all the fucking time and I had fatasses bumping into my shoulder every few minutes. Now I wouldn't mind the hip of a sexy air hostess brushing pass me every now and then, but fat grannies and hairy dudes - not so much. And for some reason, they were just fucking idiots, trying to go piss when the airline people were serving food and pushing trolleys about and stuff. So I would have a fatass stick his arse on my shoulder for a good minute as he waited for the trolley to be pushed along the aisle. Jesus christ, you are not getting a piss with the trolley in the way - just sit down you assholes.

Then we were finally landing! Yes. Land please. Enough of this BS. I am bored, my feet are cold, my arse hurts blardy blar. Plane descends, rumbles harder than a horse taking a fart and ascends. We fly around like a bunch of assholes for another half hour before the pilot, who sounds like derpy McDerps mumbles almost inaudible shit - especially with the plane still rocking like a rhino's backside during mating season. Bottom line, we got rerouted and landed in another airport, got refueled, got left out to dry before finally heading back without so much of a complimentary snack.

Finally get back. Duty Free has no Cointreau, settle with some Southern Comfort instead. Not gonna buy good grog for dem drunk parties anyway.

Get back home. Internet's still down. Desktop makes beepy noises like a bastard. Wireless adapter on my laptop refuses to work. I could not even end my night catching up with Jormungand or chilling to some Smile PreCure.

But the net's back up, I bought a USB Wireless adapter for my laptop, so hopefully that works. Otherwise I got my sister's old MacBook and my old Toshiba laptop which I can use to download shit and transfuse to my better laptop. Though this means I gotta surf on slow shit and can't play Planetside 2 or Hawken.

TL;DR. Oysters good. Plane shit. Balls balls balls. Internet down, no animus for a night. QQ.

Now fuck off my lawn.


  1. drmchsr0's Avatar
    Say DG, you lawn looks mighty attractive this time of the year...
  2. Dark Pulse's Avatar
    Planetside 2 AND Hawken mentioned in the same sentence?

    I like you. I like you a lot.
  3. RoadBuster's Avatar
    First world problems central.
  4. Elf's Avatar
    You have an intrusting way with words dude.