All in the Golden Afternoon

When I got off of work, I went to the McDonalds that was in the parking lot of the grocery store, to torrent some Animu, download an AMV and just relax after work. I had run out of cigarettes earlier in the day, and, as I got out of my truck after parking, and was walking to the joint, I walked past a man smoking a cigarette, and holding a pack in his hand. I asked him if I could bum one, he said yeah, then he said that I looked familiar, and we started talking. Turns out he knew my grandfather, spoke very highly of him, which everyone does, and I was delighted at this for reasons that I don't quite understand, and proceeded to say more good things about him. "Man, that motherfucker was BUILT back in the day".

I was proud of the old man, I knew, and had heard of his exploits, which range from comical to fucking badass. To be honest, I hate the man on a fundamental level, and as an authoritative authority figure, but, I don't know why, but I was proud. Anyway, "do I know you from somewhere? You look mighty familiar". I told him that he probably knew me grandparents, but that if my grandparents knew that I smoked, I'd be in deep shit, he said he wouldn't tell, and I told him who I was, he was delighted. When I mentioned that if they found out I smoked, after standing outside talking with the man for a while, smoking the cigarettes he graciously offered me, that I would be homeless, he responded with "Yeah, I'm homeless"


He misheard me, but that wasn't the issue. We talked some more, and I examined him, to, if nothing else, convince myself of the fact that he was telling me the truth. I'd like to think that he was, as his hair had obviously not been washed in months, his clothes were dirty and full of holes, and he had an untreated flesh wound which was obviously infected. I took the old man in, he was 50 something, to the joint and told him that I'd treat him, as a thanks for the cig, the company, and for keeping his mouth shut about me. Said anything was fine, got the man 2 burgers, fries and a drink.

I'd like to add that I paid with this on my card, which I have a fair bit of money on, and after doing so, handing him his meal, and telling him to pick a table, I ordered a small water for 45 cents, and paid for it in small change, and filled it with pop, and got many refills, as I often do whenever I go there. Seriously, if any of ya'll work at the golden arches, you need to be more vigilant. The point of that, is that I am a liar, a sneak, a cheat, and a thief, and so on. I pride myself on my proficiency at these. Told the man that I had some stuff I wanted to download on my comp so we sat at separate tables for a while. Then noticed how little he was eating and went over to talk. I knew that, when you don't eat for while, your intestines will shrink up a bit, so you had to eat slowly, but I did not think he had been that bad off. He told me about my grandfather's exploits, and he told me about how he's sleeping behind some building, and about how he got jumped for walking in the wrong part of town, which is how he got that wound, and how the mosquitoes are bothering him so much at night, where he sleeps outside behind a building, due to being homeless. This is the Delta, they are horrible. And how his feet hurt. I told him to take off his right shoe, he did, I took off mine, took the gel pad out of it, put it in to see if it fit. It did. Told him I had a pack of the shit back home.

I don't, but the shit was only 4 bucks. So I gave them too him, Was it out of pity? Sympathy? Or did I just want to feel good by doing a good deed for someone who is worse off than I am? Or was I just trying to distract myself with action to stop the tears that began to drop from my face as I stared and thought about this poor old man who could be fooling me into getting free food, and maybe the action would stop the overwhelming urge to cry? It did, which is good, because I came close to just loosing it and bursting into tears right there. We talked some more, went out and smoked some more, he told me stories, grand stories, and we parted ways, and the entire time. During, even before, when I thought "should I...?", I kept thinking to myself, "truly, you are a fool". And I am. I am a cruel and callous fool. I am a liar, a cheat, a sneak and a thief. I am a trickster, a deceiver. If it would benefit me, there ain't much I wouldn't be. To be certain, I am a horrible person. I am also incredibly stupid, as most of you have noticed, and have the emotional maturity of a 7 year old, as this kind of stuff happens at times. Am I too compassionate? How can I be? I am a cruel and callous fool. Am I just stupid? The man could have been lying all along, maybe I was duped. A few weeks ago, I met a man who told me he had cancer. He didn't. I found this out after visiting his doctor, a man I knew, because the man had complained that he was not on any pain medicine for it, and he seemed to be in pain. The doctor was good friends witht my family, my grandfather in particular. He told me that the man did not have cancer. I had been duped.

I spent no money on the man, but I cried and prayed and pitied and lamented for the man and for a fate so cruel. I decided to open up my heart and actually actively let the troubles of someone else affect me, rather than me just not giving a shit, and the first time I do in ages, I am deceived. But do I learn from my mistake? No. Because tonight I bought someone who could have been a conman a damn good meal and gave him something even better than the shoes off of my feet. Am I a fool? What the hell am I? I am... I know that I am overly compassionate and too nice for my own good. Surprised? I try to suppress it, because nice people are taken advantage of. So I have to be a bastard. Yet again, I did it. Doesn't this go against my personality? Am I suddenly a jerk with a heart of gold? Affably evil? Why did I do it? What is bothering me so much about it? And why do I feel the need to tell you, or anyone else about this? Do I subconsciously want to receive praise for helping someone poor off? Or do I want some sort of proof that I am not a horrible person, and that God doesn't hate me? Is this some kind of inner conflict? I don't know, I don't know what the hell it is or why it bothers me so much. But even now. Like an idiot. I can't help but cry for that man. Who could have deceived me

"Um... Dude, why are you posting this here?"

No doubt, some, if anyone even takes the time to read this shit, why I am posting something so "dramatic" or too "personal" on a porn forum. Because you are the only thing I have to vent on. I have people to vent to, and value their opinions greatly, but I want more. Do I want to be praised? Chastised? Mocked? Ridiculed? Insulted? I don't know. I just know that I need vent, I've already done this with two friends, one very, very close one and one new one who seems to be a kindred spirit, but I wouldn't feel right leaving you, Beast-Tan, out, after all of this other shit that I have spieled on you. So, please, go ahead. Mock. Ridicule. Insult. Tell me how much of an idiot I am. Go on.