These things have titles?

Whelp its that time again. It's cold as tits and snowing like a bitch whore outside, so what better way to stay warm than with my LSP glass filled with grapefruit juice, sprite and leftover 151 from christmas fuhd so let's get this shit started, this time with "Frozen."

While I have yet to see the full movie until now, I have spoiled myself alot, ALOT. So many hype train
postings, so many covers of "Let it Go," so much incest fanart. Ugh.
While I don't want to hate this movie (and do admit I like Idina), I really don't expect it to be anything great. And REALLY don't expect it to be better than Kaze Tachinu will be (ITS BEEN NEARLY 8 MONTHS, CAMRIP WHAR?). Fingers crossed this doesnt end like "Oz" and make me start punching holes in my walls.

So let's get this shit started.


OHMYGOD ITS RON HOWARD'S THE GRINCH.
Already I am saddened by the lack of Anthony Hopkins narration.
Now lets cut to Tatara Women ergh.. Ice workers.


Somewhere after Rescuers Down Under Cody moved to Norway. And swapped Marahute for a fucking baby Reindeer. THAT BITCH BETTER FLY TOO YOU DUMB FUCK.

Aw man, even as a Toddler and Tiara'd up 5 year old. Anna is the most Kristen Bell.

...Oh god they already made the snowman.
Oh wait, he died. Thank God.

ITS NOT EXTERNAL MONOLGUE CUS AHM TALKIHN TO MAH REINDEHR

fuck you Cody


...Oh shit..
I know where this is going


...no wait.
THAT TROLL IS FUCKING BUBBY.
HELL YEAH



"Now listen Elsa. I'm not saying this is gonna be Wicked... But this is totally gonna be Wicked. PREPARE TO SHUN THE SPUNKY OUTSIDER WITH AMAZING POWERS.
With fabulous musical numbers"

OHMYGOD, THE CLEAR CHANGE IN VOICE ACTOR FOR SINGING CHILD ANNA. IM DYING.

This number is giving me uncomfortable flashbacks to The Swan Princess. Do you guys remember The Swan Princess? IT WAS TERRIBLE.
I LOVED IT.


I'll give them street cred for actually getting teen actors to voice the teen Elsa/Anna. ..Or women that are really good at making their voice crack.


I KNEW IT WAS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE. NO DISNEY PRINCESS CAN HAVE ALIVE PARENTS.
Poseidon hath willed it.


"Let Me In (to dat vagina gurl)"

Okay I get the significance of her asking "do you wanna build a snowman"
but really? think about it. YOU ARE COMFORTING YOUR ADULT SISTER AFTER YOUR PARENTS HAVE DIED. ACTUALLY ASKING "DO yOU WANNA BUILD A SNOWMAN" SOUNDS PRETTY RIDICULOUS.

So I think Cody went crazy and had to pretend the reindeer was his waifu.


HOLY SHIT ITS BEN KINGSLEY AS GHANDI

..why was that guy Irish?


OH MY GOD SHE IS THE KRISTEN BELL-IEST

Man didnt really think about it before, but with her hair like that, she really looks like Rogue. BRING ON THE SEXY SOUTHERN ACCENT.


hehe
"balls."


Ohmygod. She's like if Lotte from Princess and the Frog mated with Bernadette Peters and had a Kristen Bell Baby.
This could actually be pretty entertaining.

Ugh. This goddamn Art room is giving me Art History

flashbacks.

WE ALL KNOW THE SWING YOU LAZY ASSHOLES

We get it Idina. You were in Wicked.
....goddamn I love her fucking voice.
(taking a break to listen to Defying Gravity)

..man I went in knowing this was gonna be really Wicked-y
but goddamn
this is bordering on straight up rip-off.


SHA LA LA LA LA LA
Don't be scared
You got the mood prepared

Her fake love interest's face looks like a drag queen's

SHE HAS EXTREMELY BARBIE DOLL HANDS
...well they all do.
but its way more apparent when you fucking zoom in on them

ohmigohd
THE SEXUAL TENSION. ITS WORSE THAN RIN AND SAKURA.


Mahn, they shoulda had ghandi nigga as the comic relief instead of faggot snowman. hes already decently funny
HES LIKE A BIZARRO GASTON


OH MY GOD JUST MAKE OUT ALREADY

"IT JUST CAN'T..because gay marriage is legal in some states, but not in Kentucky"

..I cant tell if they named drag queen Hans just because generic NOrway or "lololol Hans Christian Anderson"

...you started off so well disney

THIS SONG BELONGS IN FUCKING SHIT LIKE THE LORAX
although if youre taking it as a parody of romcoms *cough* every kristen bell movie *cough* then it serves its purpose

OHMYGOD THIS SHIT IS SO FUCKIING HORRIBLE
not even in a good way like the beginning of Enchanted
just.. goddamn
even for a parody, this is too much effort
or too reminiscent of every song in Tangled

THEY JUST DID THIS IN ENCHANTED
THE SATIRE MOVIE IS ALREADY THERE. YOU DONT HAVE TO DO THE SAME THING AGAIN.

"ELSA I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS ANYMORE..without you giving me that pussy"

Okay this movie is absolutely stunning to look at, and the CGI is on par with Disney 2D, but I feel in small moments I'm starting to see small glimpses of what will makes this look dated in 10 years. There are just some frames that really look plastic.

I like how there are normal looking people here, but the main characters have to be ridiculously pretty. LIKE EVERY DISNEY MOVIE.

Ghandhi is pissed at the MONSTERHER

I'll give this movie anti-Wicked credit. Wicked had more build up to Elphaba becoming the Wicked Witch. Elasa froze a fountain then started belting Let It Go

(I'm not gonna talk about the Let It go segment too much. Everyone's seen it already. It's a good song. Even for people that hate this movie....Except for people that hate post-Sondheim musicals. Then hate away you dwindling few)

Have I mentioned I love Idina Menzel's voice. Cus I really do.
(listening to Defying Gravity again)

I'm going to end here for now, unlike OZ this is a movie that requires more thorough viewing, and i'm getting way to drunk off this 151 cocktail to continue on (..continue without this shit taking 7 hours given the length of time it takes me to type legibly/edit my shit so it dont look like me slamming my asscheeks on the keyboard and calling it speech)

See you in Part 2 (of 3 or 4 tops)