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All in the Golden Afternoon

Too good to be true

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As of late, I have began again to quietly mope around and lament my lack of motivation, however, I've noticed some things. Strange things.

I can honestly say that I have never fully applied myself to anything in the years that I can remember- that's over two decades of me half-assing my way by. It stands to reason, then, that I, who do not apply myself, would not make any real progress. This, of course, is as I've planned for the time being- to delay my having to put effort into things for as long as possible. It's not good nor bad, it's a stasis, just me prolonging the inevitable and giving me time to... It isn't even relax anymore, just sit around in apathy.

Yet why are opportunities appearing around me when I have done nothing to warrant such? I have sewn no seeds, yet fruits bloom left and right. Is this providence? Coincidence?

I've been asked if I'd like to regularly write articles for a local magazine, the one which published a profile piece I wrote for one of my classes. It pretty much went "are you interested in freelance writing?" > "very much so." > "want to work with us?" > "... wut".

And unlike the profile piece, I'll be paid for this. I haven't even TRIED to write anything of value, yet... Ugh.

I'm not sure whether or not I should be asking "why" or "how" or even "what"; I don't know.

In my confusion, I'm feeling delightfully candid, so I'll go ahead and tell you all a little secret~ It's something that I realized a while back, but did not want to admit-

The reason I never apply myself is because I am morbidly afraid of failure. I fear me giving something my all and coming up short, not being good enough. If I don't try at anything, and indeed that's the point I have reached now, than any missed opportunities cannot be called "failures", since no effort was invested from the start.

I'm really afraid of failing... I've said before that I wouldn't bitch about this stuff, because in the end it just comes down to me not knowing how to properly deal with something, using the first source I can find as an outlet, than forgetting about the problem and any resolve that may have been born to change it. "I'll change", "I'll do better", "I'll try this time"- bull shit.

But I feel like I'm getting close to where I will actually start trying. It's like... My intuition has been telling me this for a while. At first, as a whisper, but here lately, it's as though it's screaming at me: "it's finally gonna happen".

So, I write this here for a few reasons, namely, so that when this time passes and I in fact do not give my all over to something, that I can look back and lament at how pitiful I would be, having had such a conviction that I currently feel. Also, I need to bitch about irrelevant shit like this or else I get uneasy.


  1. Wendy's's Avatar
    Instead of spending time whining and writing stuff here, you could be writing relevant stuff, improving your craft, and getting paid.

    You are basically making excuses to procrastinate.

    Even famous writers suffer a crushing number of rejections early in their careers. What the hell are you bitching about?

    You need someone to crack some whips and prepare you for the real world.
    Updated May 30th, 2014 at 02:30 AM by Wendy's
  2. Matsu's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by Wendy's
    You need someone to crack some whips and prepare you for the real world.
    I whole-heartedly agree!
    But who is it going to be? ._.
  3. Wendy's's Avatar
    Why not try your mom?

    I am sure your mom will beat your ass and tell you to get your shit together after hearing about all your trivial complaints.

    That's what happened when I had the woe-is-me-ivory-tower-life-crisis.

    It's nothing compared to the hardships of real life.

    Have you tried doing hardcore landscaping under the scorching sun with Mexican migrant workers? You should try that shit sometime. It really puts life into perspective.
  4. Matsu's Avatar
    Mommy and daddy are out of the picture. Next?

    Does working a pecan orchid on a hot autumn day with niggers who also couldn't get a real job count?
    Updated May 30th, 2014 at 02:47 AM by Matsu
  5. Wendy's's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by 「 」
    Mommy and daddy are out of the picture. Next?

    Does working a pecan orchid on a hot autumn day with niggers who also couldn't get a real job count?
    yo kiss touch your mama with dos typing paws?
  6. Matsu's Avatar
    I'm black, racist ._.
  7. Wendy's's Avatar
    You can be black and racist. They are not mutually exclusive.
  8. ratstsrub's Avatar
    Well, time to undelete a post.