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That Turtle Pond

an ode to leopardbear

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i promised leo, and i shall deliver

This is a work of fiction.
Any resemblance to a Beast's Lair member, dead or alive, banned or unbanned, inactive or active is completely coincidental.
Everyone in this work is 18+ with the exception of one person.
Based on a true story.

Beast’s Lair High School was a fairly unruly liberal arts academic institution. In the General Discussion room, one could pour over arcane texts and argue as much as they liked, and in the other General Discussion room, you talked about the news and books, which strangely was not covered in the Media room, which only discussed interactive and visual media for some arcane reasons. The Fanfic section was composed of many authors scribbling away to create interesting, derivative works, and you could dimly hear the echo of the randomness of the Seventh Dimension, which was the former chemistry lab repurposed as an area for everyone to hang out. Then there was the Roleplaying theater, which was full of people who never seemed to leave its halls, and finally, there lay the impeccable room of the Student Council composed of mods and admins, pristine, clean, full of order and law unlike the rest of the school.

The school had been set on fire once because of school faculty claiming that there had been unallowed pornography on campus, and it was recently rebuilt and reorganized. From these ashes came a student only known as Leo-chan, who rose in affluence as someone who dabbled in everything. She earned enough prestige to become a mod, one of the many who enforced justice in the school, and was well liked because of it. She had a relationship with Five-kun, a Canadian exchange student, but when he became a moderator as well, their relationship crumbled. Leo-chan descended into a pit of irony, culminating in a raid on her locker, which revealed that Bittersweet-chan was, in fact, Crying Vegeta-sensei crossdressing. From this, Leo-chan was stripped of her status as a moderator, and like a fallen angel, she descended ever deeper into the depths of ironic hell.

As a result, Leo-chan was now incapable of showing genuine sincerity, a fact that was not lost upon her friends. Katie-chan, an insecure, young member who lurked and spent most of her time in the Roleplaying Theater, and Spinach-senpai, a tough, stout man from Tennessee who believed in America, had decided enough was enough. Spinach-senpai was treated like a complete joke amongst the student body of Beast’s Lair, but he knew Leo-chan had gone too far. Her level of irony was toxic, like smog in Beijing, as Lianru-chan had told her fellow classmates the day she got back from China. Katie-chan was not really an ironic student, but she talked with Leo-chan a lot and decided Leo-chan’s opinions were reaching dangerous levels of being wrong. The two of them decided to meet up at #notes, the local cafe where all the cool kids hung out. #beast’s lair was dying, since it sold bad espresso and cappuccinos.

Spinach-senpai sat at a table, dumping his backpack, emblazoned with a large Confederate flag, on the floor. Katie-chan sat on the other side, having bought a trademark strawberry-banana smoothie instead of buying coffee like a real person. They were seated under an old framed picture manager Elyrin had put on the wall, reflecting the distant year of 2011. It was covered in dust and many people in the portrait had changed schools or left, but it was a nostalgic sign of the past.

Spinach-senpai pointed to the worn picture, and motioned for Katie-chan to pay attention and stop drinking. “You’re in the picture, right? Do you remember the Leo from back then?”

“Yeah, I’m right here,” Katie-chan said, pointing to a girl with a ponytail in boyish clothes. Back then, she tried to be a boy to avoid scrutiny in the male dominated Beast’s Lair, but she’d given up a year later. She scanned the list of faces: Theocrass-kun, everyone’s beary great moderator who had unfortunately become a rarely seen social justice warrior, Ace-chan, the magical girl fanatic who left Beast’s Lair for bolder horizons, and Snakes-kun, who was deported to Singapore because of a mishap with papers. August of 2011 was a great time, Katie-chan thought.

“There’s Leo.” She pointed to a girl with long, beautiful black hair and an elegant white dress with a daffodil pattern, innocent like a newborn deer, radiant as the sun. You could see her sincere smile, contrasting with Leo-chan’s current smirks of subterfuge. Katie pulled out her phone and pulled up a picture of Leo-chan in the present, and you can see where everything went wrong. Leo-chan’s majestic long hair was cropped, a black fedora donned her head, and her wardrobe seemed to entirely consist of suits. In other words, a beautiful girl had been ruined by the irony she had embraced.

“Damn, that’s a huge difference,” Spinach-senpai said, muttering under his breath. Spinach-senpai was not actually Katie-chan’s senpai at Beast’s Lair High, for she was a long time student, but Spinach-senpai was a great deal taller than her and most others so it became accepted that he was a senpai of sorts. He looked lost in thought, straining his Southern brain to come up with a great plan to save his friend.

In the end, the two didn’t have a plan, but they decided to confront Leo-chan anyway and make her see the error of her undisputedly ironic ways. The two went over to the big table in #notes and slammed their hands on the table as if it were some really dramatic action movie.

“Leo, you need to stop being such a shit,” Spinach-senpai said, summing up the entire argument in a single, concise message. Katie-chan nodded in agreement, offering moral support since she was never very good at contributing to arguments—hence her lack of contribution to the high school.

“Fuck you, no.” Leo-chan tipped her fedora and looked Spinach-senpai in the eye, and immediately you could feel the presence of American freedom on both sides, except one was being stifled under ironic conservative Republican values and the other was the full blown force of the mighty South. But unlike the fact fakes can beat the original, irony could not triumph over genuine sincerity.

“Leo-chan, have you had a serious opinion recently?”

“Every time you bring up a serious opinion it’s in the context of Eva, which like a pretentious form of irony in of itself.”

“If we look at the archives in the UBW discussion you don’t even try to make genuine comments.”

“Look at yourself, you are the very fedora wearing hipster you despise.”

“Leo-chan, you are even more fucking ironic than goddamn Kelnish-san.”

Unfortunately, Leo-chan could not stand being compared to everyone’s favorite drunken, penguin-loving sailor in the Navy, and she got up, her eyes brimming with rage; if you could see them behind her shades. She slammed a fist on the table and let out a scream that echoed across all of #notes, one you could hear in #regalia, the cafe next door.

“What the fuck do you guys want from me?” The two didn’t know this at the time, but somewhere, deep inside Leo-chan, her heart, covered in the cold frost of cynical hipsterism, melted just slightly, fracturing the hard shell. There would be hope for Leo-chan after all.

Unfortunately, all the yelling forced Lianru-chan, the well loved turbo Asian math idol mediator to take a stand and MODERATE.

“No fighting, guys,” she said in her disappointed tiger mom voice, giving Spinach-senpai and Katie-chan a look that would make most cower in fear. However, Spinach-senpai went to a con with her and Katie-chan hung out with Lianru-chan every day at lunch, and they were completely and utterly unfazed by this show of Asian disappointment. “Don’t be bullies, that’s wrong.”

This flew over the heads of the two completely, as they were not bullying. Word for word, Spinach-senpai said:

“We’re not bullying, we’re giving Leo-chan an intervention.”

Leo-chan made a few more angry retorts about how she wasn’t being ironic, she was being genuine. A few more verbal jabs later and a very distraught Lianru-chan who was unfortunately used to being ignored, Leo-chan left #notes, saying that “This evening wasn’t fucking worth it.” Spinach-senpai and Katie-chan looked at each other and shrugged, not sure of what to do. They decided to talk about what they would do for Verg-sensei’s reboot of the Moon White campaign.

The next day, Spinach-senpai, Katie-chan, and I3uster-kun were all playing DOTA in first period because there was really nothing relevant being taught. Spinach-senpai played his favorite hero, Ember Spirit, and was carrying the game while Katie-chan dicked around on Phoenix and I3uster-kun was playing Doom and being even more of a useless fuck than Katie-chan, who didn’t even know how to play the game.

I3uster-kun was an Austrian who had so much Persian blood in his veins Leo-chan called him a terrorist in the works. This was not helped by his socialist leanings, of course, but Spinach-senpai, scion of the South, had put these things aside for the sake of friendship and having a buttbuddy. Anyway, he looked over the computer and saw a girl with dazzlingly long black hair wearing a white dress with a saffron pattern. He was so mesmerized by her beauty that he died to Invoker, leading both Spinach-senpai and Katie-chan to call him a faggot.

They both took a good five minutes to carry (Spinach-senpai, that is) and win the game as I3uster stood there, transfixed, focused on the new love of his life.

He elbowed Katie-chan’s shoulder and pointed to the new girl, who was very beautiful and smiling happily, as if she did not knew how awful Beast’s Lair High had become. “Who’s that babe?”

Katie-chan rolled her eyes as I3uster-kun mumbled about his brainhacking capabilities, until she noticed who I3uster-kun was talking about. Was this real? Was this reality? Did she get wasted last night or something?

“Dude, that’s fucking Leo-chan.” I3uster-kun closed his laptop and stared at his lap, suddenly realizing the weight of his words. Spinach-senpai bust out laughing, but he, too was alarmed. Had they actually gotten through to Leo-chan? They’d tried so many times before…

Would this be the day God had answered their prayers? That Leo-chan was no longer a bastion of irony, but the sweet girl she once was? The one who cuddled with Five as they read biographies of ancient generals together? The one who was only slightly awkward and embarrassed when Theocrass-kun hit on her every day after the daily Notes campaign?

They blinked once, twice, and heard Leo-chan give genuine advice to a new student, showing him the ropes and explaining why certain things were the way they were. For the rest of the day, they tried to elicit a response from her, but they could only meet silence. Spinach-senpai sent Leo-chan several texts after noticing Leo-chan had sent some to her friends talking about how much she loved having them as friends, and at the end of the day, was finally rewarded in a sincere, very unironic manner.

“You’ve always been my best friend, Spinach-senpai!”

Spinach-senpai cried a manly tear from his princess-like heart.

The next day, Leo-chan did not come to school. The Student Council had posted their great decision—Leo-chan was expelled for intentional subterfuge after the strangeness that was the day before. The student body of Beast’s Lair had mixed opinions, and I3uster-kun arranged for an honorary mock-funeral service, much like the ones given to dearly departed members such as food-sensei, Mike-san, and Bittersweet-chan. Many attended, but Spinach-senpai and Katie-chan knew Leo-chan wasn’t actually dead, and decided to confront her at her house.

It was easy to find Leo-chan’s house, as it was the only one with a bald eagle perched on its roof in the ordinary suburban homes the majority of Beast’s Lair High students lived in. They rang the doorbell, which played the American national anthem, and waited for Leo-chan to open the door.

One minute.

Two minutes.

Three minutes.

At this point the two were so sick of this shit Spin just turned the doorknob and surprise, surprise, it was unlocked. They briefly wondered what would have happened to Leo-chan if someone had arrived beforehand, but Leo-chan was a pretty American gal with an American collection of firearms. She’d be fine.

They found Leo-chan on her couch, dressed like the unironic woman she was all those years ago. Her eyes, red from tears, looked the two over, and she started laughing, a depressed laughter, the one given by someone who has given up.

“Isn’t this a riot? They expelled me because I wanted to go back to the old days… What a joke.” She kept on laughing and laughing, but neither Spinach-senpai nor Katie-chan found it very amusing. They stood there as the manic laughter turned into the lament of a siren, but, eventually, one of them could take it no longer.

Spinach-senpai pulled Leo-chan into a hug, as she cried and cried. She slowly began to hug back, a sign that her ironic facade had been completely dropped, and that here, in front of them, this was the genuine Leo-chan, a girl who wanted to be nice to others and not deride their opinions with deliberately provocative statements.

“It’s okay. Even though you’re expelled from BL, Leo-chan, I’ll always be here for you.” Leo-chan’s heart skipped a beat as she suddenly noticed how handsome Spinach-senpai was, and that what she always called “fat” were actually well toned muscles that could hold her in a lover’s embrace…

At this point, Katie-chan just kind of watched them go into a room together. She sat on Leo-chan’s couch and tried to find the password to Leo-chan’s League of Legends account so she could play with Tangerang-san, who didn’t like her very much. Katie-chan could play with him if she pretended to be Leo-chan, though, so that was the plan.

Meanwhile, in a locked room, Spinach-senpai gently pushed Leo-chan down on the bed with a loud pomf. He ran his hands through Leo-chan’s beautiful locks, marvelling at how such a drastic change could happen in a day. They were, amazingly enough, extensions, but he decided to ignore this fact and look into Leo-chan’s beautiful eyes, and as he stared into the windows of Leo-chan’s soul, Spinach-senpai could see a pure, yet broken soul that only deserved to be healed.

They kissed and their tongues wrapped around each other like the pretzel on a pretzel dog, a deep kiss that knew no bounds, only that of ever heightening pleasure. Spinach-senpai lay on top of Leo-chan like a wild beast, frantically tearing away at the tender, white dress and the lacy bra that she wore underneath. All at once, Leo-chan was vulnerable, naked, and she felt as if she was liberated from one hell to the next.

“P-please be gentle,” she said, lips quivering. Spinach-senpai almost felt an ounce of sympathy, the urge to protect the fragile flower that lay below him. But Spinach-senpai was a master of NTR, and the gentle urges she so desperately wanted would not be found in a man like him. No. He would give Leo-chan exactly what that bitch wanted.

He suckled her breast like it was a popsicle, enjoying the sweat on her skin and her cries of vulnerability. Spinach-senpai was a hunter enjoying his prey, and his Southern fingers slowly crept up Leo-chan’s thigh, before they found her precious donut hole, probing it like candles embedded into a birthday cake. Not too deeply, but just enough that the tender layers of the cake were violated by the touch of wax. Leo-chan moaned in response, the false tone of her voice replaced with sincere squeals.

It was then that Spinach-senpai had decided he had enough of shitty foreplay. In one, swift motion, copied from doujin upon doujin from, he unzipped and pulled down his southern jeans and rammed his baguette into Leo-chan’s bagel. She cried out, screaming “It’s too big!”, but somehow, the miracle happened. Spinach-senpai had inserted the large length of his supersized twizzler into the slick opening of her clamshell, and emboldened by the sparks of joy that ran up his spine, he began pounding Leo-chan like a Japanese man pounds dough to make mochi.

“S-spinach-senpai!” she cried, unable to cope with the warm feeling in her core. All she could think about was how she wanted to be pounded more and more and more, like a kid slamming his Push Pop open. She dug her nails into Spinach-senpai’s back, pulling him closer, and the two were at it like Americans at the state fair, sampling and devouring and ravishing noisily, making Katie-chan, who was dicking around in Leo-chan’s living room trying to find some candy, very uncomfortable.

They both came with a loud roar, Spinach-senpai letting out all the cream from his eclair to fill Leo-chan’s precious donut. Exhausted, Spinach-senpai pulled out, bits of whipped cream falling to the floor. But no, he was not tired. There would be no rest for a man like him. His hard celery was coated with sour cream, but he flipped the panting Leo-chan over with his manly hands, forcing her to brace against the bed.

“I-I just came…” Unfortunately, these pleas were lost upon Spinach-senpai, who was indulging in his male dominance. He needed more.

“Bite the pillow, bitch.” He rammed his thick sausage into Leo-chan’s tight meat pie, and Leo-chan emit some unholy sound that theoretically could be described as a mix between pain and pleasure beyond compare. It was a sound that generally only existed in the realm of 2D not-safe-for-work manga.

Spinach-senpai slapped Leo-chan’s ass, eliciting some dirty sound I really have no words to describe, and Leo-chan made some shitty statement about suppressing irony in his ass. With renewed vigor, Spinach-senpai, the manly man that he was, plowed Leo-chan with the force of a thousand tractor trailers, but Leo-chan was a tough woman and she could take it.

Their pace had become even more frantic, faster than messages about Unlimited Blade Works as it aired, with more force than when people brought up Accelerator versus Fujino in front of Tangerang-san. Leo-chan was reduced to screaming about how much she needed the dick, and Spinach screaming about how much Leo-chan’s ass was better than I3uster-kun’s.

He came, letting out all the whipped cream in the world, and he pulled out, collapsing on the poor Leo-chan, who had passed out from the pleasure. He picked himself up, gave Leo-chan a kiss on the forehead, and snuggled into bed with her. Exhausted, he let sleep overtake him and he fell into the abyss of dreams.

Katie-chan, who was scarred for life because of what she heard, decided to go back to school and check up on what was happening on Beast’s Lair High…


I'm never fucking promising to do anything for Leo ever again.


  1. Kirby's Avatar
  2. SINIB's Avatar
  3. Strife ❤️'s Avatar
  4. Rafflesiac's Avatar
  5. Renko's Avatar
    What is this?
  6. Nihilm's Avatar
    based KT
  7. Lianru's Avatar
    I guess I'll put them here too.

  8. Apple's Avatar
    Who is Snakes-kun
  9. Katie's Avatar
    a kind of irrelevant guy who existed once
  10. Tiresias's Avatar
  11. Strife ❤️'s Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by Lianru
    I guess I'll put them here too.