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Nuclear Contemplations

I don't feel so good.

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Here I am again, rambling about my life to a bunch of strangers. Oh, well.

The title says it all. I don't feel well for a lot of reasons.

Physically, I am not in tip-top shape. A few days ago, I met with my ancient enemy the weighing scale, only to find out that I'm in the ninety kilogram (that's two hundred pounds in the English system, or NTR fatman levels of lard for those hapless weeaboos) range. Which is depressing, considering I was around the eighties last year. Oh, and I have this persistent, nigh-incurable cough that makes me feel like I have tuberculosis, or worse, lung cancer. Of course, those are just exaggerations, as my parents and my allergologist can attest to (I have asthma, and my parents are convinced it's just a seasonal attack, and though I'm not entirely sold with that explanation, they're doctors, and I suppose that means I have to believe them).

Academically, I'm not doing so hot. Scores for the first shifting exams are here for most subjects, and I'm most disappointed about Physiology Anatomy Lab, since I really thought I had that in the bag, but I ended up with a 60 out of a total of 80. Not helping matters is our heteronormative bigot of a Theology professor, who quashes any and all forms of free thinking with her sickeningly inane comments. It's enough to make me want to bring my copy of the Catechism for Filipino Catholics and go Bathory Erzsebet on her. And to think she was meant to teach Christian Ethics. Also, Grand Order is crippling my work ethic, and I've recently started doing pre-lab assignments and reflection papers minutes before they're passed. Thank goodness this weekend is a long weekend, which gives me time to land on my feet, so to speak.

Socially, I feel that I've more friends, and yet, more isolated than before. Ever since I'd come to terms with my being a deviant for having romantic feelings for someone of the same sex, I felt like a burden was lifted off my shoulders. I don't feel the need to lie about myself as much as I did before. Of course, I still have to continue the charade for the part of me that hasn't caught up yet, as well as for certain elements in my surroundings. But now, I feel that I can reveal more of myself than before, so now I've discovered a new way of how to perceive people and the world. So, by some leap of logic, I now have more friends. Problem is, I'm not the type of person to "hang out" with others. Which is why it I feel hurt (and more than a little envious) whenever I see or hear about people going out and having fun with their friends, as opposed to me, a person who voluntarily locks himself up in his (semi-literal) ivory tower.

Emotionally, I am a wreck. I've finally wrested free of the kilig (a Filipino term used to describe mushy, giddy, lovey-dovey feelings one holds for another) I felt for my crush, only to find something a trap with an even more alluring bait. He's just too moe. He's the type of person who seems dependable at first sight, but is actually deeply insecure and emotionally damaged once you get to know him more. I can't help it. It stirs up my need to tutor him and guide him and completely dominate every part of his school life. Add that to the fact that he confessed to liking my best friend within earshot, and you've got a recipe for disaster. I've talked about this problem with my mom and a few of my friends, and they all gave one answer: stay away from him. Which I tried to do in spectacularly embarrassing fashion. The most memorable example would be him tapping me in the back one time. He caught me unaware, and once I saw it was him I ran away like I'd seen an Assassin ghost. It's hard, but I'm (not so) sure I'll be able to iron out the kinks and perfect my act with practice.

Goals wise, I am failing. I feel like I haven't moved an inch from where I started. I had to quit Mano Po since while I'd had it all planned out in my head, I ultimately didn't have the spine to write it down on paper. My work ethic is slipping, and I don't have enough time for
reading books
actually beneficial hobbies
that a few runs of Grand Order can't fix. On the plus side, I joined the Clinical Pharmacy Society, whose main schtick is running their own clinics. I'm planning to use their programs as a diversion and maybe even a fuse that might help reignite my waning passion for the health sciences.

This is just me venting my frustrations through writing, but you're free to comment if you wish. Not that I can stop you from doing that, anyway.

Updated December 15th, 2015 at 04:58 AM by Nuclear Consensus

Tags: College
Categories
Going over (and getting over) the deep end.

Comments

  1. Christemo's Avatar
    I met with my ancient enemy the weighing scale, only to find out that I'm in the ninety kilogram (that's two hundred pounds in the English system, or NTR fatman levels of lard for those hapless weeaboos) range.
    My 114kg self is triggered : (
  2. Strife ❤️'s Avatar
    I don't think 90kg is that heavy
  3. Seika's Avatar
    All depends on height and natural build. Someone my size being 90kg is highly concerning; someone 6'6" is probably fine.
  4. Nuclear Consensus's Avatar
    FYI I'm in the 5' 10" range. Filipinos tend to be rather fun sized compared to Caucasians.
  5. aldeayeah's Avatar
    only to find something a trap with an even more alluring bait. He's just too moe. He's the type of person who seems dependable at first sight, but is actually deeply insecure and emotionally damaged once you get to know him more
    DISENGAGE I REPEAT DISENGAGE THIS IS NOT A DRILL

    considering your current state, the chances of starting a toxic dynamic are of ninety nine dot nine nine nine nine nine nein nein nine nine nin*STACK OVERFLOW*

    i.e. First get your shit together, then you can think about helping others.
  6. Nuclear Consensus's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by aldeayeah
    DISENGAGE I REPEAT DISENGAGE THIS IS NOT A DRILL
    This is what I'm trying to do, except he keeps coming onto me. So I freak out and try to act like I want nothing to do with him.