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Nuclear Contemplations

Getting over the deep end.

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aka Epilogue

Hello all. As some of you might know, I put up a series of blog posts detailing my various blunders in the field of romantic attraction with the same sex. However, as of press time, I think it's time that I move on from that stage of my life and pour my would-be wasted efforts into more productive endeavors.

In short, I'm giving up on my crush.

But before we get to that can of worms, I feel that I need to preface the topic with something silly.

Weirdly enough, Fate/Grand Order's Okeanos update may have played a part in my ultimatum. Anyone who's been paying attention to GO General or GO Story and Lore will probably know that Medea plays a central role in Okeanos, and we all know that Medea's love for Jason being forced onto her is a major part of her character. As I've said in the confessions thread, I really didn't understand Medea until I fell into those same circumstances. Well, not entirely, but now I know how it feels to be consumed with affection for someone you barely know. What's worse, I know how it feels when your emotions warp your perception of the world, leading you to do some, well, stupid things.

So now you know why I claim Medea, both loli and grown-up, as my soul sister.

When I first fell for my crush, I knew that I had to help him somehow, since he's not the sharpest knife in the academic drawer (though not the dullest, either). I didn't start questioning that logic until recently, when, you know, I started avoiding him. I guess that I chalked up me granting him favors as just me being naturally helpful (though I'm actually a bit of an irl tsundere stop using that word you are not cute, you are not a girl, and you are most definitely not in an anime) until a friend pointed out to me that I was being too obvious with my bias toward him. Being away from him helped me get better and worse in different respects. For one, I discovered a different side of my friends when I came out to them, and now I feel like I'm more at ease with them, since I don't have to hide behind my feigned heterosexuality anymore. On the other hand, the part of my brain that can't just seem to take a fucking hint repeatedly nagged at me, saying, "Oh, come on. You know you'll feel better if you get closer to him." But that didn't happen, and so, for a couple of months, me staring glances at him almost became a habit for me.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago. I've started talking with my crush again, if only so I can look him in the eye when we talk. I've even planned out how I'm going to 'fess up to him (see previous blog post). Everything was fine, but not quite. Whenever we talked, it would always be me asking him a question, him answering, moment of silence, rinse, repeat. It's not ideal, but that's how I learned a lot of things about him. And for a while, I was happy just being with him.

That is, until yesterday.

I don't know if I've mentioned this before but my girl best friend shares a complicated relationship with my crush. Like, he always puts the moves on her, but doesn't outright admit he likes her. My friend, on the other hand, feels something for him, but is on the rebound from a breakup and is downplaying to the max to avoid overthinking things.

But that isn't my problem. In fact, I'd be down with them getting together, since I know that my situation was doomed from the get-go.

My problem is that the things my crush has told me about himself and the things he's told my friend don't match up. More importantly, I asked him if he liked my friend romantically. He said no, but I'm pretty sure he's lying. When word of that conversation reached my friend, she confessed that it didn't matter if he lied or not. "If he did lie," my friend said, "then why say no when you mean yes?" "If he didn't, then why did he do all those things for a girl he doesn't like?"

So now I'm stuck with a very confused best friend and an unshakable feeling of doubt settling in my stomach. But one thing's for sure.

He wasn't worth the trouble.

Like I said, I've always known that the situation was impossible from the very first development, but it took me this long to really digest the gravity of the whole thing. I didn't know the person I fell for, and the numerous stupid things I've done to earn his attention and praise were all for nothing.

I guess that's one part of my life over. On to better things, right?

Comments

  1. Lace's Avatar
    (though I'm actually a bit of an irl tsundere stop using that word you are not cute, you are not a girl, and you are most definitely not in an anime)
    my fav part

    Medea Lily can be your soul sister while she's my girlfriend, that's fine by me. Sorry that it didn't work out with your crush. And good luck with the hunt for love, you'll go get someone!
  2. mAc Chaos's Avatar
    Most people don't just admit who they like usually when asked.
  3. Nuclear Consensus's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by mAc Chaos
    Most people don't just admit who they like usually when asked.
    True, but the way he acts around her doesn't match what he says, and I find that suspicious.
  4. JetKinen's Avatar
    Maybe he is just embarassed on saying he likes her or something

    Oh well, anyway good luck on your future love adventures.
  5. aldeayeah's Avatar
    >> When word of that conversation reached my friend, she confessed that it didn't matter if he lied or not. "If he did lie," my friend said, "then why say no when you mean yes?"

    Smart girl.
  6. aldeayeah's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by Nuclear Consensus
    True, but the way he acts around her doesn't match what he says, and I find that suspicious.
    If the guy's anything like I used to be (i.e., a coward), he probably lied to you, and quite possibly to himself too.
    Updated November 11th, 2015 at 01:52 PM by aldeayeah
  7. Nuclear Consensus's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by aldeayeah
    If the guy's anything like I used to be (i.e., a coward), he probably lied to you, and quite possibly to himself too.
    Can confirm, he's not into her romantically.