My Lack of Self-Confidence Is Really Cramping My Style
by
, October 13th, 2016 at 01:58 PM (6188 Views)
It's no secret that I am Mr. Low Self-Esteem. There are reasons for that, but instead of going into that, I'll just bitch about how badly it's screwing up my life lately.
My low opinion of myself has, in the past month, cost me a promotion, a potential relationship and a role in a fantastic show I've been dying to be a part of for the last several months.
Admittedly, it's a part-time job and I'm still fairly new, but the other guy hasn't really wowed me. He's not a bad worker or a nasty guy by any stretch, but he just never stood out to me. I was surprised to hear was up for a promotion at all.
I was really clicking with someone lately, but I went to pieces at the eleventh hour because I'm incapable of being around a woman I really like without all of my neurotic, self-loathing bullshit coming to the surface all at once. It's a wonder I ever lost my virginity with how I fumble around women. I scared her off so badly she'll probably never speak to me again.
But at least, I thought, I'll get to be a part of the show, right?
Well, it turns out I was so paranoid about asking off at work (again, only part-time) that I gave the director the impression that I wouldn't be able to commit to the large role he had been eyeing me for. I spend most of my time as lovable goofs with a lot of slapstick because I'm a tall (6'4"), thin, noodly guy with a knack for over-the-top faces who looks funny flailing around on stage, but my most recent stage role gave me the chance to be a sinister, surly con man -- my first villainous role since I was 16. It felt amazing to break out of my comfort zone and stretch my legs.
The role I missed out on was a slick, sophisticated snake of a man with the kind of dark charisma the director likened to David Bowie's Goblin King. I thought there was no way I could pull it off, but -- lo and behold -- the director later e-mailed me to apologize for not casting me after I gave such a great read. I made him think that taking a role would get me into huge trouble at my day job, which I am desperately happy to have after a long stint unemployed, and he is a close, personal friend of mine.
So if I had just nutted up and stopped raining on my own parade, I could be making more money, dating a wonderful woman and playing a fascinating character I have never had the chance to experience before.
Fuck.