Elf's Random Musings

*all of the hugs for Elf*

You sound more, like anything, like you've just had a rough time of life lately. I'm not going to say you shouldn't do something, but I do think you might need some time away to take a break, relax, unwind, and then look back on the scenario with a clear mind so you can make a fair decision.

All I know is, I'd be very sad if you left. I personally don't think I can even hold a candle to you.

...

Argh. Please wait, Elf.

I will write the next part of that request if you'll cheer up pre-emptively!

Probably not tonight, unless the inspiration bug slams into me, but sometime before monday.

*hug*

It's okay. You're burned out, that's all. At the moment, doing whatever makes you feel better is the important thing, or you're gonna break down. If writing something self-indulgent is that, then go ahead. If you need to take a break from the forum, that's fine too. The only thing I advice is that you don't go making any decision you can't reverse, at least not until you've gotten at least a little time to relax and piece yourself back together, all right? You're very obviously tired, and dealing with that is the most important thing.

I hope you feel better soon.

Definite hugs for Elf.

Getting burnout on a fandom because of certain stupid asshats (if you'll excuse my language) involved with it is a terrible thing to have happen to a person. Even more so when the issues are worsened by real life sucking.

I think you'd find that there really are plenty of people around BL who respect you deeply for all your work (modding and writing), and who support you. Three of them posted before me, and I'll be another.

*gives hugs to Elf* Take a break if you need one, but don't quit. Not sure what other advise I can give besides that, really, but I do hope things go much better for you than you seem to have in mind. ^^

>implying you are not generally more well-liked than me

I'm gonna join in the Elf hugging.

I really really don't think you should quit or anything, not at all; you're a great addition to this forum and you're really friendly when it counts. Stress usually only builds up when you're stressed, and you shouldn't let it take over you.

In truth, I'd chalk up the problems to some people on the board just being biased or disliking you or a combination of both. You're a very senior member of our big BL family, and it'd be terrible to lose you just because a few of those people just don't like you for whatever reason.

As Victor Hugo said in his usual lengthy manner, "You have enemies? Why, it is the story of every man who has done a great deed or created a new idea. It is the cloud which thunders around everything that shines. Fame must have enemies, as light must have gnats. Do not bother yourself about it; disdain. Keep your mind serene as you keep your life clear."

First take as many hugs as you want from me, seems you need them.

Second, everyone/almost everyone likes you. Ignoring the Contest, because everyone involved got a bit touchy and I don't know much about the circumstances, I have always seen you well liked and respected by most people . Sure there was one, but I think he just got a bit passionate like always.

So yeah, I think this is all of your stress and/or pent anger boiling to this point. I think you should relax a bit, unwind and then take the decision. Of course, if you truly believe that you should leave, then by all means do so, you will be missed but if its the best for you, go for it.

...Sorry if I sound a bit rude, mean or sarcastic, I'm told I'm too direct.

No, you guys have actually helped out a lot and I'm staying.

And thank you for everything.

No problem, Elf, really. (Though I probably didn't help as much as the others. ^^; )
I struggle with depression and self-doubt practically daily, and I hate seeing others go through it, so I'm really glad that you're feeling better...or at least however more cheerful you are now. ^^

Miss Elf, I'm not in the position to tell you this but I'll say it anyway, because I can't help it.

Sometimes, the things that gives us stresses are things that we have no control of. Namingly, other people. I'm pretty sure at one point that most of us have been told that the problem is with us. But sometimes, people who are telling that are usually the ones who don't want to admit that they are the problem, and they're just telling this to us to sound wise and mature. Sometimes, it's not you, it's them.

Especially when it involves someone who has the potential to be a jackboot, while accusing others of being jackboots just because of their intolerance to others opinions.

So don't feel bad, Miss Elf, we are right behind you.

WTF? I'd have to see what transpired, but I'm annoyed that it has you riled up so.

You're a kickass writer and an excellent human being, from what I've seen. Why leave this community when you write such delicious stuff (Just got caught up on Hound & Blacksmith, and now I'm making my way through Ever Illusive Utopia) and you provide such wonderful criticism?

I'm sorry some douchenozzles are getting you down, Elf. Accept my affectionate words and implied hug as solace.

I don't really think this has much to do with you or any of your actions, it's just a string of bad luck. You're really well liked around here and easily likable, Elf.

It's a bit late in coming, but I do think it is just the stress and string of bad luck. Overwork and lack of free time is getting to you. BL generally loves you. You're bearing tough responsibility that I'd easy just get fed up with and do some stupid shit to vent. Hang on, and then once you get the chance, do whatever you fancy to blow off the pent up steam.

If we lose too many more (read: almost any more) members I'm familiar with, this place will feel so foreign to me I'll probably stop hanging out here too. You're definitely a integral part of the BL family that I personally would hate to lose too.

I would say that stress is murdering you. It's sure murdering me with my job, and it has been for some months now. I don't get much time to relax at all - sometimes my days are literally "Go to work, come home, go to bed, wake up, have an hour or two to myself, go back to work." It sucks. I hope it changes soon. (The latest potential change period would be Late May/Early June.)

That said, while I can't speak for that "other" Judge, I didn't exactly use your fic as some sort of example, or "pony show" as you put it. I didn't exactly rate your fic as horrible (there was far worse this year, believe me) - most of what I took off was that it wasn't very original or conceptually new, IN MY OPINION. Mine, and nobody else's.

That's how it is in any contest - you're at the mercy of the judges. Last year I had a judge dock the shit out of my entry because she thought the story was overall creepy and ended on Tohno "raping" Akiha, post-Distant Reed Warbler. She didn't get it at all, but well, that's how the dice roll. Sometimes what's crystal clear and completely obvious to you, simply flies over the head of another. I disagreed with it (strongly), but I'm the type who takes criticism as simply a way to learn. As I say, you have to get it wrong before you can get it right.

So it is with this contest. Overall, I thought your story was flawed, but not bad. Technically sound, artistically great, but not very original in concept, and some issues with characterizing. I felt they were flawed (I know Rin flip-flopping like she did also made me pause a bit), but not quite abhorrently so. Other judges may be the types to seize on those things.

It doesn't mean we hate your guts, or we're out to single you out - not over gender or anything. It wouldn't have mattered if Roadbuster had written that - I would've rated it equally. I admittedly knew who wrote the fic based on the style (and the pairing...) but I didn't let that get into my judgement at all, and overall, I like your work, so having you characterize my opinion on it as a "pony show" really honestly made me feel disappointed that you'd accuse me of such a thing. My job was to simply critique it with the criteria I was given, and I did so accordingly. Had the story had more original elements in it - a setting, a situation, whatever - I could easily have seen that entry being at least 80s, in my book, because that would have made the other issues less of a problem and more "forgivable" as it were, as no work is 100% lip-smacking perfect. Some "sins" are worse than others, as it were.

I know my words probably don't mean much (and I don't want to turn this blog comment into a flamewar, so this will probably be the only time I'll really "defend my views" on this post) but if stress is that bad, it's probably time to try to let some of it go. If the board is causing you that much grief somehow, step away for awhile and have a breather from it. Like anything frustrating in life, it's easier to deal with if you take a short break from it, and then come back. Too much stress will absolutely destroy a person at worst, and make them do and say things they regret later on at best.

Maybe you didn't mean what you said... I don't know. Maybe you do. Maybe my words mean something, maybe they don't. All I know is that, while your feelings are justified, I feel mine should be as well - namely, that I shouldn't have to feel like shit just because I gave you a score you disagreed with, for a contest that's really supposed to be more for fun than anything, doing my job as a judge and having to weigh which entries I felt were more deserving of a prize than others. You can disagree with the scores all you want, but saying it was a "pony show" implies we were all judges of a kangaroo court, sitting in the star chamber, and out to do nothing but fuck you over, and I definitely didn't have that in mind. I'm pretty sure none of the rest of us did either.

I thought we'd already discussed all the "jackboot wearing Nazi" stuff before, so why did you have to bring it up now as if you were having a go at me?

The reason I was so pissed off with you is precisely because I thought of you as a friend. Altima was supporting me anyway, RB I don't really know and DP I can't stand, honestly. Plus, there was some quite bad timing there with the friend request you sent me.

I did get very upset at you, but surely you can understand why I was so pissed off. Having calmed down a bit, I can understand your position, even if I still don't agree with it, and I'm sorry for being so nasty to you. Also, you are by no means the only mod who I have shouted at when angry. Altima gets it far more often than you do, it's just usually in private.

And, for the record, your gender had absolutely fuck all to do with my comments. I simply do not talk to RB or DP or have any mechanism to insult them (although I have most definitely insulted DP in private when talking to Altima), and I don't like DP in any case, so I expected as much from him. With you, I felt betrayed much more than I would with them. And, Altima was supporting me in the first place so I had no real reason to attack him, not to mention that the original thing I was banned for involved me flaming him.

Remember that I am extremely anti-authoritarian, so any authority figure who makes a decision I dislike and enforces it on me is always going to piss me off. It's not really personal, I was just extremely angry with what you did at the time, which is pretty understandable given that you'd just banned me.

And, no, I don't "hate" you. I was very angry with you, and I'm still a little upset about what you did, but I can understand that you were not doing it out of malice but because you genuinely felt you didn't have a choice, even if I totally disagree with that assessment. Also, I had no knowledge of you "defending" me in the past. That's the problem of being a mod, really. You can defend me 100 times without me knowing, but the one time you don't you come across as the bad guy.

Oh, and as for the judging, what did you expect from Alf, really? He has a very odd idea of how characters etc. work, and is very poor at accepting that others have plausible interpretations.

The others are right Elf, we love you. And females being persecuted in this fandom? Nope. To be candid, any and all females in this fandom who are active participants usually get quite the entourage and defense. After all, this *is* a mostly male population(j/k), but even more than that, we are a niche group, so we try to stick together because we have a love for the fandom. Otherwise, we would not push so hard to make sure this forum survived.

As for Mike, he is right, you've no idea how many hours I've spent with the guy, really you don't. Although nowadays I've made it clear to him that criticism is fine, but I tolerate no disrespect to me or to other people, which is why we've redesigned this forum's rules(though not just for him obviously). Mainly because, as you've demonstrated, and I've talked with you, being a mod can be stressful among other things going on. I myself have talked about quitting a couple times, but I'm still here, despite the headaches I get over practically everything I do. I'm glad we're running in a more positive direction, but there is still much work to be done in this area, and that is establishing proper tact.

Also, I've looked over that fanfic contest thread as it was going on, and honestly, I really think people need to chill, given we have some sort of tiff over it every year. I'll give a more thorough assessment of it as I read over it more later, but that is how I feel atm. It *should* just be a friendly contest where we just showcase one more aspect of our love for the fandom.

Sometimes being a girl in a predominantly male fandom rather and truly sucks. Being a girl with a fair amount of talent in a predominantly male fandom with predominantly male writers is just as worse. It seems lately I'm just getting attacked wherever I go because either because I have no luck or because of my gender.

LOL.

If you are going to play the gender card, best let someone play it on your behalf. If you want to be accepted for who you are instead of "LOL GURL", then ditch the gender card rather than use it has a shelter.

Also, similarly, "having talent" is something best said by someone else about you, rather than by you. Claiming you are talented garners you no sympathy, which I suspect is the purpose of this post. There is a reason why the dustjacket of books quote other people's praises rather than the author's own claim "LOL LET ME TELL YOU I AM SO AWESOME".

Just some tips about blogging.

Originally Posted by Mike1984

Remember that I am extremely anti-authoritarian, so any authority figure who makes a decision I dislike and enforces it on me is always going to piss me off. It's not really personal, I was just extremely angry with what you did at the time, which is pretty understandable given that you'd just banned me.

This is a private forum, not an UN funded space. Anti-authoritarian? Well, you better make your own forum then, it may relieve your frustration and help immensely with your blood pressure.